I hate fighting with people. I hate arguments, I hate disagreements in general. I hardly ever stand up for myself. I let people say and do things to me that hurt and make me feel bad...and I usually forgive them and let it drop, I don't even make them apologize. But I'm seriously starting to get to the point where I'm sick of letting people treat me like that, sick of letting people hurt me, sick of not standing up for myself. I've changed a lot in the past year, been more open with myself and others with my feelings. I hate that people make me feel like I'm being selfish just because I realized that I have to take care of myself as well. I'm tired of taking care of other people and getting nothing in return.

So I'm going to say how I feel, and tell you what I think, and take care of myself, and stop giving in so easily. I'm going to stand up for myself and stick to my guns. If you owe me an apology then I'm going to tell you, and I'm not going to back down and let you get away with not giving me one.

Untitled

Tonight's post is rather interesting, well to me, at least. Because as I start to type this, I know that I have absolutely no idea what I want to write about, I just have the need to write. I guess I can take a step back from the very serious tone of my last entry and focus a little more on the more mundane aspects of my life.

Last night was wonderful. I'm the type of person that can have a lot of fun going out, mixing with a lot of other people, being in a loud environment, etc. But none of that is essential to my being. I love staying home and watching movies, and cuddling up with my boyfriend or Bebop (his Corgi). Last night he came home from work, we grabbed the dog and headed to the park. We came home, I made us some dinner and we each did our own thing. I LOVE doing stuff like this. Simple things really do make me happy.

Simple things like taking the dog to the park, going on random drives, watching the stars, are what I consider quality time spent. I'm not the type of girl who needs constant attention, but I am finding that if I feel like I'm not getting quality time, I do get a lil cranky...I should probably work on that!

Today/tonight is pretty chill, just hanging out at home. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, though. My boss was out sick for the last 3 of 4 of my scheduled days, which puts me out of work, but she's finally feeling better, so I can start earning some money again! I honestly love my job, I love my customers...and I REALLY love the food, I just wish it could pay me more money. So I am ever on the look for a better job, or a second job...no luck yet. Here's to hoping for a change in the wind.

Frustration

I know, I know, not a very original title, but I'm really not in the mood to be original, or witty, or entertaining right now. I'm not even really in the mood to whine, even though I'm about 99% sure that everything after this sentence is going to be nothing other than that.

I let myself get so frustrated at times, and I hate it. I hate being a pessimistic person. I'm not made to be a Debbie Downer, I'm really not. But every so often, I get myself in these moods and I'm not entirely certain how to stop it.

I graduated from college almost 2 years ago. For that time, I have been living at home with the parents. For half that time I've had a job, if only part time and minimum wage. I will be 25 this year. I just feel like I am so far behind the point that I wanted to be at this time in my life. I honestly thought that at this point I'd have a career, not a part time job. I thought I'd have my own place, my own dog, my own life. I don't even really feel like me any more. I'm just a shell of myself...a shell of who I could be.

I'm tired of never having enough money to pay all my bills, of wearing clothes that I bought over 4 years ago because I can't afford anything else, of having to put gas on my credit card because that's the only way I can afford to fill my tank. I'm tired of signing in to Facebook or Myspace and seeing people who have goofed off their entire life get amazing jobs handed to them on a silver platter.

I feel like, ever since high school, I've been working and fighting, because then my goal was to get into college, and once there I worked and fought to have a good job, and yet here I am, doing nothing...being nothing. I feel so let down and lied to. No one ever told me that I would graduate college and make nothing of myself. I've been told, almost from day one, how great I am and what a wonderful life I have ahead of me, and what great things I will do. And granted, I'm not 94, death is not around the corner....but I can't help but wonder when my time is...if it will ever be.

I don't want to still be living with my parents in 5 years. If I'm completely honest, by 30 I want to be married, I want to either have had a kid or two, or at least know they're on their way soon. I want my own house, I want my dog! A lot of people say that 5 years is a long time and that I'll definitely find something by then. But all I can think is that I used to think 2 years was a long time too, and so far nothing has come of that time.

I really hope that thinks will change soon, but even more, I wish I had the faith that it would.

Om Nom Nom

So, here I sit, waiting to start cooking dinner. And I realize, that I am the type of cook, that most people absolutely hate. This is due largely to the fact that I don't do recipes. I mean, obviously, I can follow a recipe, no problem. However, when I cook, I don't use, or write down recipes. I throw in a little of this, and some of that....oooh and that over there would probably taste amazing. I almost never cook a dish the same way twice, but to toot my own horn, just a little, its always delicious. But this does not go over well when people want me to give them recipes of the things i cook. What do i tell them, start with a breast of chicken and add whatever you like?

Tonight I shall be making meatloaf and spicy roasted potatoes. The meatloaf is my own creation, but once again, I don't really know how I make it. I start with ground beef, add whatever spices sound good at the moment...I can't even tell you how much I add, I just add until it looks, "right." Add a lil ketchup, and already today I've decided to try tomato sauce instead. And the potatoes, I found a recipe online, but I've already changed it, using red potatoes instead of russet, adding garlic...maybe I'm hopeless. Let's all hope and pray that i never get called upon to make a cookbook! ;P

Dreams

My brain works in mysterious ways. For the longest time whenever i had dreams that I could remember, they were never actually about anyone I knew. Once in a great while, one would sneak in, but it wasn't by any means a normal occurrence. About this time last year, however, all that changed. To make an extremely long story short, it was a little over a year ago, that I met the man that i am currently dating. Since having met him, I dream about him, at least once a month, usually more. The really weird thing about these dreams, is that they are always the opposite of what's actually going on with us and our relationship.

When we had hit a rough patch, I would dream that things between us were great and that we would get over it and be together. Now, that's not really all that weird considering, I was more than likely hoping and thinking about this happening. Now however, we have been dating for 8 months. Other than a few potholes here and there (and lets be honest, who doesn't?) things have been so good. So why then, do I dream of him cheating on me, or leaving me, or me leaving him? I have every faith in him and our relationship - when I am awake and thinking logically. So where are these doubts/thoughts coming from? What is manifesting them?

I know that things don't always happen the way we plan, but I can honestly see myself with this man for the rest of my life. And if for some reason, that is not the plan for our lives, I am certain that we would part amicably and remain friends, as I know that neither of us are the type to do anything that would significantly hurt the other person. Why does my brain feel the need to fill my head with falsities and lies?

Lyrics of my Soul

What is it about music, that it can speak to you in a way nothing or no one ever has? I'm one of those strange people that actually likes most genres of music that I am introduced to. It's very hard to find something I dislike, because in almost everything I hear, there is something that speaks to me. Most bands have this uncanny ability to put to music, the very things I would want to say, if I knew how to say them. And it's ridiculous how true this is, because a there are definitely lyrics that speak to me, that I recognize as part of me, that I've never actually experienced before. It's like songwriters can look inside of me and go to places that I've never even seen and pull things out that I had no idea was there. When I listen to music, it can affect my mood. If I'm happy and listen to sad music it can drag me down, but it works the same in reverse too. Sometimes I think that music can save me when nothing else can...I don't even know if that really make sense, because I'm not entirely sure what I would need rescuing from...

But just to share, these are some of the most meaningful lyrics in my life at the moment:

"Pain is only a pulse, if you just stop feeling it." - Coheed and Cambria

"You never know what temporal days may bring. Laugh, love, live free, and sing. When life is in discord, praise ye the Lord." - Anberlin

"There can be no better way of knowing, in a world beyond controlling. Are you going to deny the savior in front of your eyes?" - Disturbed

"You are the night light ripping through my wicked world. How you make it sparkle and glow."- Motion City Soundtrack

"I lie awake and memorize your face as you sleep next to me. The falling moon is calling me as I leave. Sun rise slowly, the road looms lonely. "-Ludo

"How many times can I break 'til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after. I always turn the car around." - OAR

"If I lay here, if i just lay here...will you lie with me, and just forget the world?" Snow Patrol

I think that's good for now. Sometimes I feel like I could write a novel with all the various lyrics there are in the world. Something to think about...

L.O.V.E. A Definition

My cousin Elena is an inspiration to me, and maybe one of these days I'll be able to tell her just how big of one she is. She recently brought to my attention the word, "love" and how society has basically raped its true definition, how people these days don't really understand what love really is, and how they toss the word around without any understanding of it at all.

So many people these days believe that love is simple and easy and without conflict. I feel sorry for these people, because if thats what they believe love is, then they are missing out on the full effect of love and are only experiencing its outer shell at the most. These are probably the same people that believe that you "fall" into love...that its uncontrollable...fate. I don't agree.

To me, love is a choice. Despite what your family may tell you, you don't actually have to love them...you choose to love them. I believe this is the same of romantic love. It isn't random, it doesn't just happen, you CHOOSE to love that person. It's a conscious decision to let your guard down and let someone in, to trust them as you trust few or no other people. You can choose wrong...but you hope to hell that you haven't.

Furthermore, love is not easy. Sometimes love is the hardest thing of all. I think if love is easy, then you're doing it wrong. There are going to be times when you want out, when you're insecure, when you're not sure where its heading. Times when you're beat down and tired and want to give up. It's at these times that you have to make the choice to continue in love. Many don't...many fail...because, unfortunately for them, they bought into the "love is easy" propaganda and weren't prepared for its actuality.

Love is the most amazing choice you can make, the best feeling in the world, but in order to achieve its greatness, you have to experience love in all of its aspects. It's worth it, in the end, if you're willing to dedicate yourself to it.

Bad Credit, Bad Economy, and Loan Sharks

I think that the biggest downfall of going to college is paying back the loans you take out so that you can actually afford to go to college. I graduated 2 years ago, and I have yet to find a job that will sustain me, and as such have not, as yet, started paying back my student loans. As you can imagine, this does not make the people who loaned me the money happy at all. In fact, they are very unhappy, a fact they feel they must repeat to me EVERY day. Nevermind the fact that EVERY day I tell them how poor I am and how it's not that I don't want to pay them back, but that I am UNABLE to pay them back. It's a very frustrating cycle.

I think Sallie Mae needs to look at me like an investment. They invested in my future, hoping that college would turn me into a guru of the business world. College, has not, as yet turned me into a guru of any kind. I live at home with my two unemployed parents, work a minimum wage job/part time job, and can barely afford to feed myself or put gas in my car. Not every investment pays out and you cannot force an investment to prosper. Therefore, you either need to hold on longer, or cut your losses and mark it as a tax break.

I am unsure how calling me everyday and sending letters to my house everyday helps me earn the money to pay you back. Because I'm pretty sure that it does nothing of the kind.

If You Were Here

I'm stealing this idea from my super smart and savvy cousin, Elena, because I really like the thought and intention behind it, so here it is. 10 Things I feel like telling 10 different people in my life at this present moment in time:

1. I am very sorry that things ended up like this, I don't know why we can't move past it and remain friends, but I am resigned to the fact that this is how it will be.

2. I am so glad that we are friends, you have no idea how much you mean to me and how much crap in my life you've helped me wade through. You are one of the few people I know without a doubt that I can rely on at any time for any thing.

3. It pains me the you are so immature that you let something so stupid come between us and ruin our friendship. But I've decided that I don't need someone like you in my life, and wish you the best of everything.

4. When I first met you, I had no idea that we would get along so well. I'm so glad that we were roommates for my last year in college, I never had as much fun studying as I did when we had our crazy late nights together.

5. You intimidated me when we first met! But I am so glad that I got over that and talked to you in Poli Sci. You were definitely one of the few people I trusted Senior year and I'm glad that even though you're so damn far away now, that we remain great friends, and I can't wait to come visit you!

6. We fight more than anyone I know, but no matter what you're always my best friend and I think you know that.

7. I didn't know that we would reconnect after Jr. High/High School, but I am so glad that we did. Our coffee dates have been wonderful and I can't tell you how excited I am to be in your wedding!

8. I don't know if I ever told you how truly I felt betrayed by you, but its something that still bothers me to this day. Which is why I no longer consider you a friend, talk to you, etc. You probably think its no big deal, you probably don't even realize that I'm upset, but I think its actually better this way. You never were the type of person to realize when you were wrong and apologize.

9. Some people call you shady, some don't think you're a good friend. Most days you're an interesting character. But even though I've seen your "Jackass Side", I've seen the "Soft Side" and you've been there for me when I had no one else. I'll always be grateful for that and for introducing me to someone I've grown very close to.

10. I don't even know how to truly write what I want to say about you. You have become so special to me. You're the best friend I've ever had and you've taught me what a good relationship is all about. You make it so easy for me to be myself and to speak my mind, and I love you more than I could put into words. You make me smile every day. I am so glad that you are in my life and hope it stays that way.