Just for clarification, I am the worst blogger ever, most days I forget I even have a blog. I guess it really doesn't matter because only two people read this, and I would probably end up telling them anything I wrote here anyways, but being a blogger appeals to me for some strange reason.
I know my previous posts have been a little heavy and so I decided to lighten it up a little with today's blog. Right now I'm sitting in my Dad's lazyboy chair having just finished a delicious meal consisting of Del Taco Chili Cheese Fries, haha. Usually I stay up to all hours and sleep in until a ridiculous hour, but usually there's no reason behind it, just not tired enough to fall asleep earlier. However, last night was a bit different.
Yesterday, I joined the masses and stood in a forever long line to see Twilight on the big screen, opening night, midnight showing. And before you ask, yes, I'm crazy. As a huge fan of the books, I have to admit that I walked away dissappointed. I wont go into detail, because as one of my readers, my sister has yet to see the movie and I don't want to spoil it for her, unecessarily.
Is it sad that I had a better time waiting in line to see it than I had watching it? I got to catch up with my friend Drew, who until then I had only talked to online recently. Weird to think that the last time before yesterday that I talked to him in person was about 4 years ago! So we got to catch up and then we made friends with a couple random people around us in line and I think Drew found his soulmate(s).
We even ended up in the same theater as his "friends" and more fun times ensued. The guy who ended up next to me was hilarious. I felt so bad for him. He'd never read the books, knew nothing about it at all, but stood in a line for this girl all day, she didn't show up until 5 minutes before the movie started, and when I asked him if she was a girlfriend or a potential girlfriend, he says, "no." LOL, thats a lot of effort for a guy to go through for a friend.
So, that was my night, didn't get home until after two, and stayed up a bit later checking stuff and talking to people online. Good times.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
A New Beginning
I was raised in a Christian household. We went to church every Sunday, I sang my little heart out during worship, I went to Bible School, Vacation Bible School, Awanas. There were a couple main events that led to my walking away from Church and in essence, God, but they are too complicated to address, at the moment.
I blithely believed that because I had been raised a Christian, been baptized, and was attending a Christian university, that everything was fine. I'm coming to find out that I could not have been more wrong.
It took my brother, a newly back to church man himself, and my parents a while to finally convince me to go with them. The church, Crossroads Christian Church, blew me away. I began going every Sunday. Soon after, I began to suspect that the church had spies on me, because every Sunday, without fail, Pastor Chuck found a way to speak on a topic that I had just been struggling with and managed every time to open my eyes and allow me to see the answer clear as day.
Eventually, I started going to the young adult group on Wednesday nights, and Pastor Tony blew me away more. Especially two Wednesday's ago, when he spoke on a topic that hit home more than any other. The topic of self worth and how we perceive ourselves compared to how God perceives us. It through me for a loop.
Tony talked about how God is a clay maker and we are his vases. He looks at us and sees a beautiful creation. But we look at ourselves and think, I have a crack there, or the paint smeared here, or I wanted to be a blue vase not a red one. We constantly tear ourselves down and are unable to love ourselves because we only see what we think are flaws. I am SO guilty of this, my friends. Guilty of looking at things I've done in my past and thinking, what a horrible crack! And I beat myself to death with that thought until I can hardly stand myself. And I realized it's because of this that I find it hard to believe that God, or anyone else could ever love me. How can they, look at my cracks! Look at my smeared paint....just look!
Except God is looking, has been looking, and all he sees is a beautiful vase that he loves and that he wishes could love itself and love others, and see what he sees. I am amazed every day by God and I am so thankful to my brother and parents for bringing me back. I had not realized how much I was missed and how much I missed. It's not easy to see passed my flaws, but they make me who I am and I no longer cringe at the sight of them and I know that one day, through grace and mercy, I won't even notice them anymore.
I blithely believed that because I had been raised a Christian, been baptized, and was attending a Christian university, that everything was fine. I'm coming to find out that I could not have been more wrong.
It took my brother, a newly back to church man himself, and my parents a while to finally convince me to go with them. The church, Crossroads Christian Church, blew me away. I began going every Sunday. Soon after, I began to suspect that the church had spies on me, because every Sunday, without fail, Pastor Chuck found a way to speak on a topic that I had just been struggling with and managed every time to open my eyes and allow me to see the answer clear as day.
Eventually, I started going to the young adult group on Wednesday nights, and Pastor Tony blew me away more. Especially two Wednesday's ago, when he spoke on a topic that hit home more than any other. The topic of self worth and how we perceive ourselves compared to how God perceives us. It through me for a loop.
Tony talked about how God is a clay maker and we are his vases. He looks at us and sees a beautiful creation. But we look at ourselves and think, I have a crack there, or the paint smeared here, or I wanted to be a blue vase not a red one. We constantly tear ourselves down and are unable to love ourselves because we only see what we think are flaws. I am SO guilty of this, my friends. Guilty of looking at things I've done in my past and thinking, what a horrible crack! And I beat myself to death with that thought until I can hardly stand myself. And I realized it's because of this that I find it hard to believe that God, or anyone else could ever love me. How can they, look at my cracks! Look at my smeared paint....just look!
Except God is looking, has been looking, and all he sees is a beautiful vase that he loves and that he wishes could love itself and love others, and see what he sees. I am amazed every day by God and I am so thankful to my brother and parents for bringing me back. I had not realized how much I was missed and how much I missed. It's not easy to see passed my flaws, but they make me who I am and I no longer cringe at the sight of them and I know that one day, through grace and mercy, I won't even notice them anymore.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Getting Past the Hurt
Today's blog is going back a ways into the past. To an event that if you asked me I would tell you that I was over and past. But a person I know recently told me that its obvious to her, despite my saying to the contrary, that I am not over it.
There was a guy that I liked for a very long time. He was my brother's best friend and lived next door to me for years. As far as I knew he was perfect. It was the type of thing where my parents knew how I felt and wanted nothing more than for me to eventually be with and marry this man. I was younger than him and knew that since he was my brother's best friend, he saw me as too young, an annoyance, maybe even a sister. But I always had this thought in the back of my head that one day I would grow up and when I was a woman, he would take notice of me.
All this was blown out of the water, when, during my sophomore year of college, he got married. One of the most difficult things I ever did was watch this man marry someone else. But I moved on. I got involved with someone else and never looked back. Senior year of college rolls around, and he gets divorced. I get a phone call from him one night telling me that he's hanging out with my brother and I should come down...needless to say I went.
That night, I knew I had to come clean. I broke down and told him everything, how long I liked him, how his wedding nearly killed me, etc. I remember I cried the whole time, because finally, I had this huge weight lifted from my shoulder and he finally knew. That night he kissed me or I kissed him, whatever, for the first time.
After that, I tried to tell him that I wanted to hang out with him more. That I knew he was still upset from the divorce, but I wanted to be friends. He got all weirded out. If I asked him how he was doing, all of a sudden I was "prying" into his life. He would tells things to friends of mine that he barely knew, and not tell me. If he was in the area, he'd try to make it so i didn't know. Of course I was extremely hurt by this, even though I couldn't get him to understand why. This was about a year ago.
Now, he's moved into the area and our non-relationship is so weird and I don't know how to handle it. It's so obvious that he treats me different (worse) than other "friends." If we're in a group of people he'll hug everyone there, then completely skip over me. He talks to me different and if somehow we're left alone doesn't speak to me at all.
This person I mentioned earlier, told me that it's my fault. That he can sense I'm not over what happened before and is responding to that. Also saying that my expectations of him are unreal. And that my demeanor changes whenever he's around. But I feel like, my actions are a direct response to his current treatment of me. I am over the past. So much has happened in my life since then and that has taken a back seat to things that have occurred since then. And I don't feel like my expectations are unreal. This man is in my life, because my brother is his 'brother' my parents are his 'parents.' I have to see him regularly and I am trying so hard to make things ok between us, because if I have to see him and be around him all the time, I can't handle being yelled at when I ask him how's he's been or to the complete opposite being ignored. I really don't think it's asking too much that he treats me as he treats his other friends.
Any thoughts?
There was a guy that I liked for a very long time. He was my brother's best friend and lived next door to me for years. As far as I knew he was perfect. It was the type of thing where my parents knew how I felt and wanted nothing more than for me to eventually be with and marry this man. I was younger than him and knew that since he was my brother's best friend, he saw me as too young, an annoyance, maybe even a sister. But I always had this thought in the back of my head that one day I would grow up and when I was a woman, he would take notice of me.
All this was blown out of the water, when, during my sophomore year of college, he got married. One of the most difficult things I ever did was watch this man marry someone else. But I moved on. I got involved with someone else and never looked back. Senior year of college rolls around, and he gets divorced. I get a phone call from him one night telling me that he's hanging out with my brother and I should come down...needless to say I went.
That night, I knew I had to come clean. I broke down and told him everything, how long I liked him, how his wedding nearly killed me, etc. I remember I cried the whole time, because finally, I had this huge weight lifted from my shoulder and he finally knew. That night he kissed me or I kissed him, whatever, for the first time.
After that, I tried to tell him that I wanted to hang out with him more. That I knew he was still upset from the divorce, but I wanted to be friends. He got all weirded out. If I asked him how he was doing, all of a sudden I was "prying" into his life. He would tells things to friends of mine that he barely knew, and not tell me. If he was in the area, he'd try to make it so i didn't know. Of course I was extremely hurt by this, even though I couldn't get him to understand why. This was about a year ago.
Now, he's moved into the area and our non-relationship is so weird and I don't know how to handle it. It's so obvious that he treats me different (worse) than other "friends." If we're in a group of people he'll hug everyone there, then completely skip over me. He talks to me different and if somehow we're left alone doesn't speak to me at all.
This person I mentioned earlier, told me that it's my fault. That he can sense I'm not over what happened before and is responding to that. Also saying that my expectations of him are unreal. And that my demeanor changes whenever he's around. But I feel like, my actions are a direct response to his current treatment of me. I am over the past. So much has happened in my life since then and that has taken a back seat to things that have occurred since then. And I don't feel like my expectations are unreal. This man is in my life, because my brother is his 'brother' my parents are his 'parents.' I have to see him regularly and I am trying so hard to make things ok between us, because if I have to see him and be around him all the time, I can't handle being yelled at when I ask him how's he's been or to the complete opposite being ignored. I really don't think it's asking too much that he treats me as he treats his other friends.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Day I've Been Dreading
Ok, so, I'm not quite sure who reads this blog, so I need to backtrack a little in order to write today's entry. I am a 23 year old who graduated college this May. I earned myself a B.A. in Political Science and needless to say felt very proud. I was certain that I would have a job in no time....and not just any job....a REAL job.
Honestly, it would have been nice if someone had warned me that I picked the absolute worst time in the world to graduate. No sooner did i have my little ceremony than banks start closing down, companies begin to lay employees off, and the stock market plummets. Here it is, November, 6 months since I've graduated and I am still unemployed. I have sent out so many resumes, I'm positive that i am single-handedly responsible for the destruction and demise of the Earth's rain forests. I have not received a single call back. It's a bit depressing.
Anyways, I've stayed as positive as possible, even though i'm 23 and again living with the parents, and I've continued to watch as the months go by, my bank account bleeding numbers as I try to pay credit card bills that exceed the amount I actually have. But I figured, I'm not done for yet, until that number hits $0 I'm good.
Sadly friends, I'm down to my last $100. My credit card bills are about $200 a month and the reason today is the day I've been dreading: I just got my first statement for my student loans and need to give them about $250 by December 1st.
Please keep me in your prayers, I need a small miracle.
Honestly, it would have been nice if someone had warned me that I picked the absolute worst time in the world to graduate. No sooner did i have my little ceremony than banks start closing down, companies begin to lay employees off, and the stock market plummets. Here it is, November, 6 months since I've graduated and I am still unemployed. I have sent out so many resumes, I'm positive that i am single-handedly responsible for the destruction and demise of the Earth's rain forests. I have not received a single call back. It's a bit depressing.
Anyways, I've stayed as positive as possible, even though i'm 23 and again living with the parents, and I've continued to watch as the months go by, my bank account bleeding numbers as I try to pay credit card bills that exceed the amount I actually have. But I figured, I'm not done for yet, until that number hits $0 I'm good.
Sadly friends, I'm down to my last $100. My credit card bills are about $200 a month and the reason today is the day I've been dreading: I just got my first statement for my student loans and need to give them about $250 by December 1st.
Please keep me in your prayers, I need a small miracle.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The Shack
I don't know how many people have read 'The Shack' but the book is the inspiration for my blog title. I can't explain too much about it, because if you haven't read it and intend to, I really don't want to spoil it for you, it is an amazing book that has completely changed my viewpoint on God and the World.
Anyways, I have been struggling lately with feeling ignored. By God, by family, by friends. To be frank, I hate it. I hate feeling that no one cares about the things I have to say, it makes me feel as if I, as a person, have no worth and thus the things I say have no worth. Looking back I know this isn't true, but it doesn't stop the feeling. I don't think people realize, how little things they do or say can affect those around them.
Example: Last night I was sitting with a group of friends. We were all talking about different things God was teaching us lately. I listened intently to what others had to say and responded to their feelings when necessary. However, when we finally reached a lull in conversation where I thougt, this is MY moment now to share, everything changed. I began to explain what has been weighing on my heart lately, and what I thought God was trying to say to me, only to be interrupted mid-sentence with a "So what your really saying is this" kind of comment. I politely inform them, "No, what I'm trying to say is..." Before I get off again. When I once again try to re-insert myself into the conversation, saying "No, what I'm trying to explain is..." I am AGAIN interrupted and asked "Why are you disagreeing with everything we say?" "You're being stubborn," etc. etc. Before i know it I can't even get a word out of my mouth and they are all laughing.
Sitting in my lone chair I was so upset. I was about to start crying, which I really didn't want to do, and so I got up and sat in the car. No one came over to apologize or check on me or anything. I have never felt so rejected and dejected in my life. Why couldn't they let me speak my piece, why did they have to laugh at me? Why do I still feel like a small child trapped in a world of adults rather than an equal among my friends?
I know that i didn't have to get so upset, I could have just sucked it up and waited for everyone to calm down and tried again. But I'd be a liar if I tried to claim that as my first instictive reaction to the situation. I didn't cry until I got home that night, but the entire time those tears fell down my face, I prayed. I was curled up in fetal position on my bed, wrapped in my covers, pillowcase soaked in my tears, but I felt so comforted and I knew in that moment, that no matter how alone in the world I felt, I am never alone, I always have someone who will listen to me, and understand me and never laugh at me, unless we are laughing together.
I may never get to vist the shack, but I don't need to see face to face what I know is always with me.
Anyways, I have been struggling lately with feeling ignored. By God, by family, by friends. To be frank, I hate it. I hate feeling that no one cares about the things I have to say, it makes me feel as if I, as a person, have no worth and thus the things I say have no worth. Looking back I know this isn't true, but it doesn't stop the feeling. I don't think people realize, how little things they do or say can affect those around them.
Example: Last night I was sitting with a group of friends. We were all talking about different things God was teaching us lately. I listened intently to what others had to say and responded to their feelings when necessary. However, when we finally reached a lull in conversation where I thougt, this is MY moment now to share, everything changed. I began to explain what has been weighing on my heart lately, and what I thought God was trying to say to me, only to be interrupted mid-sentence with a "So what your really saying is this" kind of comment. I politely inform them, "No, what I'm trying to say is..." Before I get off again. When I once again try to re-insert myself into the conversation, saying "No, what I'm trying to explain is..." I am AGAIN interrupted and asked "Why are you disagreeing with everything we say?" "You're being stubborn," etc. etc. Before i know it I can't even get a word out of my mouth and they are all laughing.
Sitting in my lone chair I was so upset. I was about to start crying, which I really didn't want to do, and so I got up and sat in the car. No one came over to apologize or check on me or anything. I have never felt so rejected and dejected in my life. Why couldn't they let me speak my piece, why did they have to laugh at me? Why do I still feel like a small child trapped in a world of adults rather than an equal among my friends?
I know that i didn't have to get so upset, I could have just sucked it up and waited for everyone to calm down and tried again. But I'd be a liar if I tried to claim that as my first instictive reaction to the situation. I didn't cry until I got home that night, but the entire time those tears fell down my face, I prayed. I was curled up in fetal position on my bed, wrapped in my covers, pillowcase soaked in my tears, but I felt so comforted and I knew in that moment, that no matter how alone in the world I felt, I am never alone, I always have someone who will listen to me, and understand me and never laugh at me, unless we are laughing together.
I may never get to vist the shack, but I don't need to see face to face what I know is always with me.
