Alright, first off, you should know that I have never before had a New Years resolution, so the fact that I actually took the time to think about it and post it online is a serious thing. I'm going to try VERY hard to not just write this here and then forget about it, I really want it to happen.
1) Eat healthier
2) Start working out on a regular basis
3) Find a job that pays well, so that when I lose the weight, I can afford clothes that fit
4) Keep in better touch with old friends
5) Apply to grad school in Ireland
So there, thats what I'm going to accomplish by this time next year. And I give you all permission to call me out if I start slacking off on any of it!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Christmas is Over
Just a quick update on how my holiday went. Christmas Eve was amazing. We drove up to running springs, to my aunt and uncles house, as per tradition. It was freezing cold and there was so much snow! We were even lucky enough to have it snow while we were there. We had our traditional fare of enchiladas and tamales. And of course, since we're all old enough now, the alcohol was flowing. it was this fact that prompted Sarah (a friend currently living with my family) and I to join in with my younger cousins to sing Karaoke that claimed it was Disney, but songs that we have never heard before. We drove down around midnight and upon arriving home, wrapped a few last minute presents before collapsing into bed.
I always wake up super early on Christmas morning, and this year was no different, but after awakening at 5:30 am, I made myself go back to sleep. I continued to wake up every 30 minutes until about 8 and I made my way downstairs about 9. It was a lot different this year, with me being the only kid at home. Ben didn't arrive until around 10, Steve didn't show up until after noon, and Kelly was too busy in England to stop by, haha. We all opened presents and ate our traditional cinnamon roll breakfast.
For dinner that night we had our usual Italian food, this year going for Ravioli. Steven ended up leaving really early. The cousins didn't stop by until really late, but we did manage to get a round of Trivial Pursuit in, as well as a round of Wii. I ended the night hanging out with Drew and watching the new Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.....ummm, amazing!
It seems so strange to me that 2009 is almost here. I'm not ready for a new year! I don't even know what I'm going to do for New Years Eve!
I always wake up super early on Christmas morning, and this year was no different, but after awakening at 5:30 am, I made myself go back to sleep. I continued to wake up every 30 minutes until about 8 and I made my way downstairs about 9. It was a lot different this year, with me being the only kid at home. Ben didn't arrive until around 10, Steve didn't show up until after noon, and Kelly was too busy in England to stop by, haha. We all opened presents and ate our traditional cinnamon roll breakfast.
For dinner that night we had our usual Italian food, this year going for Ravioli. Steven ended up leaving really early. The cousins didn't stop by until really late, but we did manage to get a round of Trivial Pursuit in, as well as a round of Wii. I ended the night hanging out with Drew and watching the new Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.....ummm, amazing!
It seems so strange to me that 2009 is almost here. I'm not ready for a new year! I don't even know what I'm going to do for New Years Eve!
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Troubador
Last night was so much fun! My cousin Courtney and I went to the Troubador to support our friend Curtis Peoples who was opening for Tyler Hilton. Courtney had offered to work the merch booth for Curtis and I had resigned myself to being all alone out on the floor of the show. Well, Bob Hilton, Tyler's dad and manager, is freaking out because his merch girl never showed...I offered to take over if he needed me to. So there I was, in the lobby of the Troubador sitting at a table selling the merch of an artist I barely know and don't really even like, haha.
Well, as the show's getting started, Sabrina, the president of Curtis's street team tells me and Courtney that if we want to go watch while Curtis is on, she'll man the booths. So we end up out on the floor and this bouncer walks up to us and asks if we want to go up to the VIP balcony.....ummmm, yes yes we do. So he escorted us up there and we were rocking out, taking pics, and laughing because all these girls down on the floor kept staring at us and trying to figure out why we were so special.
We eneded up meeting some guy named Brian who works for Warner in the TV and Film development area, Victor Fuentes from pierce the Veil, and we saw Jane Seymour and Ryan Kwanten (whom we had met at Curtis' first show).
After Curtis' set we went back down to our merch booths and sold t-shirts like crazy women. We were being silly and goofing around to keep ourselves occupied, making new friends everytime we turned around. We had printed some really cool pics from one of Curtis' other shows and he signed them for us and we got our pics taken with him, as always.
We finally got out of there around 2 am. Helping Tyler and Curtis pack all their merch back up, and Courtney ended up getting mad, because Bob Hilton paid me $50 at the end of the night, and she got nothing from Curtis, lol. But man, that was God watching out for me, because now I have half the money I need to pay my bills next month! I am amazed and grateful. :)
Well, as the show's getting started, Sabrina, the president of Curtis's street team tells me and Courtney that if we want to go watch while Curtis is on, she'll man the booths. So we end up out on the floor and this bouncer walks up to us and asks if we want to go up to the VIP balcony.....ummmm, yes yes we do. So he escorted us up there and we were rocking out, taking pics, and laughing because all these girls down on the floor kept staring at us and trying to figure out why we were so special.
We eneded up meeting some guy named Brian who works for Warner in the TV and Film development area, Victor Fuentes from pierce the Veil, and we saw Jane Seymour and Ryan Kwanten (whom we had met at Curtis' first show).
After Curtis' set we went back down to our merch booths and sold t-shirts like crazy women. We were being silly and goofing around to keep ourselves occupied, making new friends everytime we turned around. We had printed some really cool pics from one of Curtis' other shows and he signed them for us and we got our pics taken with him, as always.
We finally got out of there around 2 am. Helping Tyler and Curtis pack all their merch back up, and Courtney ended up getting mad, because Bob Hilton paid me $50 at the end of the night, and she got nothing from Curtis, lol. But man, that was God watching out for me, because now I have half the money I need to pay my bills next month! I am amazed and grateful. :)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Don't be a Fool
Proverbs 18:2 - A fool takes no pleasure in understanding , but only in expressing his opinion.
I would like to think that I walk a balanced line between the two, but I realize that it is far more likely that I am the fool. Those who know me, know just how much I express my opinion. Usually people tell me they enjoy that I speak my mind so freely, that I'm not afraid to throw what I'm thinking out into the arena. I do it so often these days, I don' even think about it anymore, it's second nature. How many times have I opened my mouth to express an opinion that's never been asked for? I don't like that I can't say with all certainty that it has never happened.
What is it in me that feels the need to get out? A craving to be the center of attention? To always be right? Oh, how I wish I could say that the only reason why I open my mouth is out of honest concern for those involved. I blogged before about how I felt the necessity of growing out of childish, selfish ways, is this not counted among that?
I don't even know how to change this about myself. I know that we are all human, and thus subject to human faults and follies. I realize that it is impossible to be 100% unselfish 100% of the time, but I also know that its possible to not be 100% selfish 100% of the time. It's about finding the balance and striving to be a better friend, daughter, sister, etc.
P.S. On a lighter note, I finally got my snow today! It was amazing, and if it hasn't all melted by the time I wake up tonight (rather, later this morning), I will take a picture to share with all of you.....Kelly, don't be jealous! :)
I would like to think that I walk a balanced line between the two, but I realize that it is far more likely that I am the fool. Those who know me, know just how much I express my opinion. Usually people tell me they enjoy that I speak my mind so freely, that I'm not afraid to throw what I'm thinking out into the arena. I do it so often these days, I don' even think about it anymore, it's second nature. How many times have I opened my mouth to express an opinion that's never been asked for? I don't like that I can't say with all certainty that it has never happened.
What is it in me that feels the need to get out? A craving to be the center of attention? To always be right? Oh, how I wish I could say that the only reason why I open my mouth is out of honest concern for those involved. I blogged before about how I felt the necessity of growing out of childish, selfish ways, is this not counted among that?
I don't even know how to change this about myself. I know that we are all human, and thus subject to human faults and follies. I realize that it is impossible to be 100% unselfish 100% of the time, but I also know that its possible to not be 100% selfish 100% of the time. It's about finding the balance and striving to be a better friend, daughter, sister, etc.
P.S. On a lighter note, I finally got my snow today! It was amazing, and if it hasn't all melted by the time I wake up tonight (rather, later this morning), I will take a picture to share with all of you.....Kelly, don't be jealous! :)
Monday, December 15, 2008
Safe....For Now
Well friends, I am happy to report that i will make it through the month of December unscathed. i managed to scrape together enough money to pay off my impeding bills and don't have to worry anymore...until January 1st that is! I have been on the hunt for a job for 7 months now and find myself becoming more and more discouraged, especially since I am now, literally, at the point of no return. I don't want to be defaulting on credit cards, and school loans! It's a scary place to be.
But at the same time, I am trying to remember that I could be so much worse off! I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, a place to sleep. I just need to tough it out and realize that it can't go on forever. Eventually, I'll find a job and be once again a fiscally responsible adult. I just have to wait out the storm, patiently!
Speaking of storms, there is one raging outside my window at the moment, it has been raining pretty much all day. I love the rain, I don't know what it is, but rain makes me content, happy. People think I'm crazy, but I love dancing in the rain (If Gene Kelly could sing in it, I should be allowed to Dance!). But because we're coming up to Christmas, it would be so amazing if it would snow! Well, I've still got 9 more days to hope and pray for a white Christmas!
But at the same time, I am trying to remember that I could be so much worse off! I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, a place to sleep. I just need to tough it out and realize that it can't go on forever. Eventually, I'll find a job and be once again a fiscally responsible adult. I just have to wait out the storm, patiently!
Speaking of storms, there is one raging outside my window at the moment, it has been raining pretty much all day. I love the rain, I don't know what it is, but rain makes me content, happy. People think I'm crazy, but I love dancing in the rain (If Gene Kelly could sing in it, I should be allowed to Dance!). But because we're coming up to Christmas, it would be so amazing if it would snow! Well, I've still got 9 more days to hope and pray for a white Christmas!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
The Holiday Season
As you can see, I love this time of year! While clowns might scare the bejeezus out of me, strangely men dressed up as Santa and an Elf don't. Although, I think my brother Ben might feel a little differently! Hopefully, he got himself out of that little situation....should I check on him?Anyways, tonight is exactly the kind of holiday-ness that I enjoy. I am sitting at home, with my parents (haha), and watching old Christmas movies and theres a fire blazing in the fireplace. Soon, I'll begin to multi-task and wrap some of the presents that I bought for friends and family. In about an hour or so, I might find my way to drinking some delicious hot cocoa.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas morning. Ooey, gooey cinnamon rolls for breakfast, waking up hours before everyone else and sipping coffee 'til they come down. Opening presents and stockings and all of that, but I truly enjoy the nights leading up to the actual holiday just as much. The only thing that could possibly make it better would be snow.....but I know how to cut my losses. :)
Friday, December 5, 2008
Growing Pains
Once again, I apologize, worst blogger ever. Makes me grateful that my following is so small, I don't have to worry about the masses wondering where my next blog post is.
Anyways, tonight I wanted to post something that I wrote in my personal journal. It's something that was placed on my heart because of recent circumstances that have since been resolved, but I still believe what I wrote in response.
Growing up is hard. I don't know why I didn't consciously realize this before. It's a struggle to let go of habits that you honed and perfected as a child. Children are inherently greedy, selfish, desperate for attention, etc. As adults, however, I feel that it is really important to focus more of our energy on those around us, and less on ourselves. It's so easy to look at ourselves and moan that life is so difficult: this happened, that didn't happen, I wanted this, I got that...whatever the case is. But how many others are worse off than us? This is my challenge to myself (and to you if you choose to accept it) to focus on the needs, and even wants, of others and not focus so much on my life. I fully trust that God is in control and that he has a plan and provision for my life that is far better than anything i could have planned!
Becoming an adult is difficult, different people expect different things of you. We need to stop behaving like children, doing stupid things for attention, causing fights over things that don't matter, putting down others to make ourselves feel better. How much better our time could be spent enriching someone's life than shredding one.
Anyways, tonight I wanted to post something that I wrote in my personal journal. It's something that was placed on my heart because of recent circumstances that have since been resolved, but I still believe what I wrote in response.
Growing up is hard. I don't know why I didn't consciously realize this before. It's a struggle to let go of habits that you honed and perfected as a child. Children are inherently greedy, selfish, desperate for attention, etc. As adults, however, I feel that it is really important to focus more of our energy on those around us, and less on ourselves. It's so easy to look at ourselves and moan that life is so difficult: this happened, that didn't happen, I wanted this, I got that...whatever the case is. But how many others are worse off than us? This is my challenge to myself (and to you if you choose to accept it) to focus on the needs, and even wants, of others and not focus so much on my life. I fully trust that God is in control and that he has a plan and provision for my life that is far better than anything i could have planned!
Becoming an adult is difficult, different people expect different things of you. We need to stop behaving like children, doing stupid things for attention, causing fights over things that don't matter, putting down others to make ourselves feel better. How much better our time could be spent enriching someone's life than shredding one.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Something to lighten the mood
Just for clarification, I am the worst blogger ever, most days I forget I even have a blog. I guess it really doesn't matter because only two people read this, and I would probably end up telling them anything I wrote here anyways, but being a blogger appeals to me for some strange reason.
I know my previous posts have been a little heavy and so I decided to lighten it up a little with today's blog. Right now I'm sitting in my Dad's lazyboy chair having just finished a delicious meal consisting of Del Taco Chili Cheese Fries, haha. Usually I stay up to all hours and sleep in until a ridiculous hour, but usually there's no reason behind it, just not tired enough to fall asleep earlier. However, last night was a bit different.
Yesterday, I joined the masses and stood in a forever long line to see Twilight on the big screen, opening night, midnight showing. And before you ask, yes, I'm crazy. As a huge fan of the books, I have to admit that I walked away dissappointed. I wont go into detail, because as one of my readers, my sister has yet to see the movie and I don't want to spoil it for her, unecessarily.
Is it sad that I had a better time waiting in line to see it than I had watching it? I got to catch up with my friend Drew, who until then I had only talked to online recently. Weird to think that the last time before yesterday that I talked to him in person was about 4 years ago! So we got to catch up and then we made friends with a couple random people around us in line and I think Drew found his soulmate(s).
We even ended up in the same theater as his "friends" and more fun times ensued. The guy who ended up next to me was hilarious. I felt so bad for him. He'd never read the books, knew nothing about it at all, but stood in a line for this girl all day, she didn't show up until 5 minutes before the movie started, and when I asked him if she was a girlfriend or a potential girlfriend, he says, "no." LOL, thats a lot of effort for a guy to go through for a friend.
So, that was my night, didn't get home until after two, and stayed up a bit later checking stuff and talking to people online. Good times.
I know my previous posts have been a little heavy and so I decided to lighten it up a little with today's blog. Right now I'm sitting in my Dad's lazyboy chair having just finished a delicious meal consisting of Del Taco Chili Cheese Fries, haha. Usually I stay up to all hours and sleep in until a ridiculous hour, but usually there's no reason behind it, just not tired enough to fall asleep earlier. However, last night was a bit different.
Yesterday, I joined the masses and stood in a forever long line to see Twilight on the big screen, opening night, midnight showing. And before you ask, yes, I'm crazy. As a huge fan of the books, I have to admit that I walked away dissappointed. I wont go into detail, because as one of my readers, my sister has yet to see the movie and I don't want to spoil it for her, unecessarily.
Is it sad that I had a better time waiting in line to see it than I had watching it? I got to catch up with my friend Drew, who until then I had only talked to online recently. Weird to think that the last time before yesterday that I talked to him in person was about 4 years ago! So we got to catch up and then we made friends with a couple random people around us in line and I think Drew found his soulmate(s).
We even ended up in the same theater as his "friends" and more fun times ensued. The guy who ended up next to me was hilarious. I felt so bad for him. He'd never read the books, knew nothing about it at all, but stood in a line for this girl all day, she didn't show up until 5 minutes before the movie started, and when I asked him if she was a girlfriend or a potential girlfriend, he says, "no." LOL, thats a lot of effort for a guy to go through for a friend.
So, that was my night, didn't get home until after two, and stayed up a bit later checking stuff and talking to people online. Good times.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
A New Beginning
I was raised in a Christian household. We went to church every Sunday, I sang my little heart out during worship, I went to Bible School, Vacation Bible School, Awanas. There were a couple main events that led to my walking away from Church and in essence, God, but they are too complicated to address, at the moment.
I blithely believed that because I had been raised a Christian, been baptized, and was attending a Christian university, that everything was fine. I'm coming to find out that I could not have been more wrong.
It took my brother, a newly back to church man himself, and my parents a while to finally convince me to go with them. The church, Crossroads Christian Church, blew me away. I began going every Sunday. Soon after, I began to suspect that the church had spies on me, because every Sunday, without fail, Pastor Chuck found a way to speak on a topic that I had just been struggling with and managed every time to open my eyes and allow me to see the answer clear as day.
Eventually, I started going to the young adult group on Wednesday nights, and Pastor Tony blew me away more. Especially two Wednesday's ago, when he spoke on a topic that hit home more than any other. The topic of self worth and how we perceive ourselves compared to how God perceives us. It through me for a loop.
Tony talked about how God is a clay maker and we are his vases. He looks at us and sees a beautiful creation. But we look at ourselves and think, I have a crack there, or the paint smeared here, or I wanted to be a blue vase not a red one. We constantly tear ourselves down and are unable to love ourselves because we only see what we think are flaws. I am SO guilty of this, my friends. Guilty of looking at things I've done in my past and thinking, what a horrible crack! And I beat myself to death with that thought until I can hardly stand myself. And I realized it's because of this that I find it hard to believe that God, or anyone else could ever love me. How can they, look at my cracks! Look at my smeared paint....just look!
Except God is looking, has been looking, and all he sees is a beautiful vase that he loves and that he wishes could love itself and love others, and see what he sees. I am amazed every day by God and I am so thankful to my brother and parents for bringing me back. I had not realized how much I was missed and how much I missed. It's not easy to see passed my flaws, but they make me who I am and I no longer cringe at the sight of them and I know that one day, through grace and mercy, I won't even notice them anymore.
I blithely believed that because I had been raised a Christian, been baptized, and was attending a Christian university, that everything was fine. I'm coming to find out that I could not have been more wrong.
It took my brother, a newly back to church man himself, and my parents a while to finally convince me to go with them. The church, Crossroads Christian Church, blew me away. I began going every Sunday. Soon after, I began to suspect that the church had spies on me, because every Sunday, without fail, Pastor Chuck found a way to speak on a topic that I had just been struggling with and managed every time to open my eyes and allow me to see the answer clear as day.
Eventually, I started going to the young adult group on Wednesday nights, and Pastor Tony blew me away more. Especially two Wednesday's ago, when he spoke on a topic that hit home more than any other. The topic of self worth and how we perceive ourselves compared to how God perceives us. It through me for a loop.
Tony talked about how God is a clay maker and we are his vases. He looks at us and sees a beautiful creation. But we look at ourselves and think, I have a crack there, or the paint smeared here, or I wanted to be a blue vase not a red one. We constantly tear ourselves down and are unable to love ourselves because we only see what we think are flaws. I am SO guilty of this, my friends. Guilty of looking at things I've done in my past and thinking, what a horrible crack! And I beat myself to death with that thought until I can hardly stand myself. And I realized it's because of this that I find it hard to believe that God, or anyone else could ever love me. How can they, look at my cracks! Look at my smeared paint....just look!
Except God is looking, has been looking, and all he sees is a beautiful vase that he loves and that he wishes could love itself and love others, and see what he sees. I am amazed every day by God and I am so thankful to my brother and parents for bringing me back. I had not realized how much I was missed and how much I missed. It's not easy to see passed my flaws, but they make me who I am and I no longer cringe at the sight of them and I know that one day, through grace and mercy, I won't even notice them anymore.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Getting Past the Hurt
Today's blog is going back a ways into the past. To an event that if you asked me I would tell you that I was over and past. But a person I know recently told me that its obvious to her, despite my saying to the contrary, that I am not over it.
There was a guy that I liked for a very long time. He was my brother's best friend and lived next door to me for years. As far as I knew he was perfect. It was the type of thing where my parents knew how I felt and wanted nothing more than for me to eventually be with and marry this man. I was younger than him and knew that since he was my brother's best friend, he saw me as too young, an annoyance, maybe even a sister. But I always had this thought in the back of my head that one day I would grow up and when I was a woman, he would take notice of me.
All this was blown out of the water, when, during my sophomore year of college, he got married. One of the most difficult things I ever did was watch this man marry someone else. But I moved on. I got involved with someone else and never looked back. Senior year of college rolls around, and he gets divorced. I get a phone call from him one night telling me that he's hanging out with my brother and I should come down...needless to say I went.
That night, I knew I had to come clean. I broke down and told him everything, how long I liked him, how his wedding nearly killed me, etc. I remember I cried the whole time, because finally, I had this huge weight lifted from my shoulder and he finally knew. That night he kissed me or I kissed him, whatever, for the first time.
After that, I tried to tell him that I wanted to hang out with him more. That I knew he was still upset from the divorce, but I wanted to be friends. He got all weirded out. If I asked him how he was doing, all of a sudden I was "prying" into his life. He would tells things to friends of mine that he barely knew, and not tell me. If he was in the area, he'd try to make it so i didn't know. Of course I was extremely hurt by this, even though I couldn't get him to understand why. This was about a year ago.
Now, he's moved into the area and our non-relationship is so weird and I don't know how to handle it. It's so obvious that he treats me different (worse) than other "friends." If we're in a group of people he'll hug everyone there, then completely skip over me. He talks to me different and if somehow we're left alone doesn't speak to me at all.
This person I mentioned earlier, told me that it's my fault. That he can sense I'm not over what happened before and is responding to that. Also saying that my expectations of him are unreal. And that my demeanor changes whenever he's around. But I feel like, my actions are a direct response to his current treatment of me. I am over the past. So much has happened in my life since then and that has taken a back seat to things that have occurred since then. And I don't feel like my expectations are unreal. This man is in my life, because my brother is his 'brother' my parents are his 'parents.' I have to see him regularly and I am trying so hard to make things ok between us, because if I have to see him and be around him all the time, I can't handle being yelled at when I ask him how's he's been or to the complete opposite being ignored. I really don't think it's asking too much that he treats me as he treats his other friends.
Any thoughts?
There was a guy that I liked for a very long time. He was my brother's best friend and lived next door to me for years. As far as I knew he was perfect. It was the type of thing where my parents knew how I felt and wanted nothing more than for me to eventually be with and marry this man. I was younger than him and knew that since he was my brother's best friend, he saw me as too young, an annoyance, maybe even a sister. But I always had this thought in the back of my head that one day I would grow up and when I was a woman, he would take notice of me.
All this was blown out of the water, when, during my sophomore year of college, he got married. One of the most difficult things I ever did was watch this man marry someone else. But I moved on. I got involved with someone else and never looked back. Senior year of college rolls around, and he gets divorced. I get a phone call from him one night telling me that he's hanging out with my brother and I should come down...needless to say I went.
That night, I knew I had to come clean. I broke down and told him everything, how long I liked him, how his wedding nearly killed me, etc. I remember I cried the whole time, because finally, I had this huge weight lifted from my shoulder and he finally knew. That night he kissed me or I kissed him, whatever, for the first time.
After that, I tried to tell him that I wanted to hang out with him more. That I knew he was still upset from the divorce, but I wanted to be friends. He got all weirded out. If I asked him how he was doing, all of a sudden I was "prying" into his life. He would tells things to friends of mine that he barely knew, and not tell me. If he was in the area, he'd try to make it so i didn't know. Of course I was extremely hurt by this, even though I couldn't get him to understand why. This was about a year ago.
Now, he's moved into the area and our non-relationship is so weird and I don't know how to handle it. It's so obvious that he treats me different (worse) than other "friends." If we're in a group of people he'll hug everyone there, then completely skip over me. He talks to me different and if somehow we're left alone doesn't speak to me at all.
This person I mentioned earlier, told me that it's my fault. That he can sense I'm not over what happened before and is responding to that. Also saying that my expectations of him are unreal. And that my demeanor changes whenever he's around. But I feel like, my actions are a direct response to his current treatment of me. I am over the past. So much has happened in my life since then and that has taken a back seat to things that have occurred since then. And I don't feel like my expectations are unreal. This man is in my life, because my brother is his 'brother' my parents are his 'parents.' I have to see him regularly and I am trying so hard to make things ok between us, because if I have to see him and be around him all the time, I can't handle being yelled at when I ask him how's he's been or to the complete opposite being ignored. I really don't think it's asking too much that he treats me as he treats his other friends.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Day I've Been Dreading
Ok, so, I'm not quite sure who reads this blog, so I need to backtrack a little in order to write today's entry. I am a 23 year old who graduated college this May. I earned myself a B.A. in Political Science and needless to say felt very proud. I was certain that I would have a job in no time....and not just any job....a REAL job.
Honestly, it would have been nice if someone had warned me that I picked the absolute worst time in the world to graduate. No sooner did i have my little ceremony than banks start closing down, companies begin to lay employees off, and the stock market plummets. Here it is, November, 6 months since I've graduated and I am still unemployed. I have sent out so many resumes, I'm positive that i am single-handedly responsible for the destruction and demise of the Earth's rain forests. I have not received a single call back. It's a bit depressing.
Anyways, I've stayed as positive as possible, even though i'm 23 and again living with the parents, and I've continued to watch as the months go by, my bank account bleeding numbers as I try to pay credit card bills that exceed the amount I actually have. But I figured, I'm not done for yet, until that number hits $0 I'm good.
Sadly friends, I'm down to my last $100. My credit card bills are about $200 a month and the reason today is the day I've been dreading: I just got my first statement for my student loans and need to give them about $250 by December 1st.
Please keep me in your prayers, I need a small miracle.
Honestly, it would have been nice if someone had warned me that I picked the absolute worst time in the world to graduate. No sooner did i have my little ceremony than banks start closing down, companies begin to lay employees off, and the stock market plummets. Here it is, November, 6 months since I've graduated and I am still unemployed. I have sent out so many resumes, I'm positive that i am single-handedly responsible for the destruction and demise of the Earth's rain forests. I have not received a single call back. It's a bit depressing.
Anyways, I've stayed as positive as possible, even though i'm 23 and again living with the parents, and I've continued to watch as the months go by, my bank account bleeding numbers as I try to pay credit card bills that exceed the amount I actually have. But I figured, I'm not done for yet, until that number hits $0 I'm good.
Sadly friends, I'm down to my last $100. My credit card bills are about $200 a month and the reason today is the day I've been dreading: I just got my first statement for my student loans and need to give them about $250 by December 1st.
Please keep me in your prayers, I need a small miracle.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The Shack
I don't know how many people have read 'The Shack' but the book is the inspiration for my blog title. I can't explain too much about it, because if you haven't read it and intend to, I really don't want to spoil it for you, it is an amazing book that has completely changed my viewpoint on God and the World.
Anyways, I have been struggling lately with feeling ignored. By God, by family, by friends. To be frank, I hate it. I hate feeling that no one cares about the things I have to say, it makes me feel as if I, as a person, have no worth and thus the things I say have no worth. Looking back I know this isn't true, but it doesn't stop the feeling. I don't think people realize, how little things they do or say can affect those around them.
Example: Last night I was sitting with a group of friends. We were all talking about different things God was teaching us lately. I listened intently to what others had to say and responded to their feelings when necessary. However, when we finally reached a lull in conversation where I thougt, this is MY moment now to share, everything changed. I began to explain what has been weighing on my heart lately, and what I thought God was trying to say to me, only to be interrupted mid-sentence with a "So what your really saying is this" kind of comment. I politely inform them, "No, what I'm trying to say is..." Before I get off again. When I once again try to re-insert myself into the conversation, saying "No, what I'm trying to explain is..." I am AGAIN interrupted and asked "Why are you disagreeing with everything we say?" "You're being stubborn," etc. etc. Before i know it I can't even get a word out of my mouth and they are all laughing.
Sitting in my lone chair I was so upset. I was about to start crying, which I really didn't want to do, and so I got up and sat in the car. No one came over to apologize or check on me or anything. I have never felt so rejected and dejected in my life. Why couldn't they let me speak my piece, why did they have to laugh at me? Why do I still feel like a small child trapped in a world of adults rather than an equal among my friends?
I know that i didn't have to get so upset, I could have just sucked it up and waited for everyone to calm down and tried again. But I'd be a liar if I tried to claim that as my first instictive reaction to the situation. I didn't cry until I got home that night, but the entire time those tears fell down my face, I prayed. I was curled up in fetal position on my bed, wrapped in my covers, pillowcase soaked in my tears, but I felt so comforted and I knew in that moment, that no matter how alone in the world I felt, I am never alone, I always have someone who will listen to me, and understand me and never laugh at me, unless we are laughing together.
I may never get to vist the shack, but I don't need to see face to face what I know is always with me.
Anyways, I have been struggling lately with feeling ignored. By God, by family, by friends. To be frank, I hate it. I hate feeling that no one cares about the things I have to say, it makes me feel as if I, as a person, have no worth and thus the things I say have no worth. Looking back I know this isn't true, but it doesn't stop the feeling. I don't think people realize, how little things they do or say can affect those around them.
Example: Last night I was sitting with a group of friends. We were all talking about different things God was teaching us lately. I listened intently to what others had to say and responded to their feelings when necessary. However, when we finally reached a lull in conversation where I thougt, this is MY moment now to share, everything changed. I began to explain what has been weighing on my heart lately, and what I thought God was trying to say to me, only to be interrupted mid-sentence with a "So what your really saying is this" kind of comment. I politely inform them, "No, what I'm trying to say is..." Before I get off again. When I once again try to re-insert myself into the conversation, saying "No, what I'm trying to explain is..." I am AGAIN interrupted and asked "Why are you disagreeing with everything we say?" "You're being stubborn," etc. etc. Before i know it I can't even get a word out of my mouth and they are all laughing.
Sitting in my lone chair I was so upset. I was about to start crying, which I really didn't want to do, and so I got up and sat in the car. No one came over to apologize or check on me or anything. I have never felt so rejected and dejected in my life. Why couldn't they let me speak my piece, why did they have to laugh at me? Why do I still feel like a small child trapped in a world of adults rather than an equal among my friends?
I know that i didn't have to get so upset, I could have just sucked it up and waited for everyone to calm down and tried again. But I'd be a liar if I tried to claim that as my first instictive reaction to the situation. I didn't cry until I got home that night, but the entire time those tears fell down my face, I prayed. I was curled up in fetal position on my bed, wrapped in my covers, pillowcase soaked in my tears, but I felt so comforted and I knew in that moment, that no matter how alone in the world I felt, I am never alone, I always have someone who will listen to me, and understand me and never laugh at me, unless we are laughing together.
I may never get to vist the shack, but I don't need to see face to face what I know is always with me.
