Frustration

I know, I know, not a very original title, but I'm really not in the mood to be original, or witty, or entertaining right now. I'm not even really in the mood to whine, even though I'm about 99% sure that everything after this sentence is going to be nothing other than that.

I let myself get so frustrated at times, and I hate it. I hate being a pessimistic person. I'm not made to be a Debbie Downer, I'm really not. But every so often, I get myself in these moods and I'm not entirely certain how to stop it.

I graduated from college almost 2 years ago. For that time, I have been living at home with the parents. For half that time I've had a job, if only part time and minimum wage. I will be 25 this year. I just feel like I am so far behind the point that I wanted to be at this time in my life. I honestly thought that at this point I'd have a career, not a part time job. I thought I'd have my own place, my own dog, my own life. I don't even really feel like me any more. I'm just a shell of myself...a shell of who I could be.

I'm tired of never having enough money to pay all my bills, of wearing clothes that I bought over 4 years ago because I can't afford anything else, of having to put gas on my credit card because that's the only way I can afford to fill my tank. I'm tired of signing in to Facebook or Myspace and seeing people who have goofed off their entire life get amazing jobs handed to them on a silver platter.

I feel like, ever since high school, I've been working and fighting, because then my goal was to get into college, and once there I worked and fought to have a good job, and yet here I am, doing nothing...being nothing. I feel so let down and lied to. No one ever told me that I would graduate college and make nothing of myself. I've been told, almost from day one, how great I am and what a wonderful life I have ahead of me, and what great things I will do. And granted, I'm not 94, death is not around the corner....but I can't help but wonder when my time is...if it will ever be.

I don't want to still be living with my parents in 5 years. If I'm completely honest, by 30 I want to be married, I want to either have had a kid or two, or at least know they're on their way soon. I want my own house, I want my dog! A lot of people say that 5 years is a long time and that I'll definitely find something by then. But all I can think is that I used to think 2 years was a long time too, and so far nothing has come of that time.

I really hope that thinks will change soon, but even more, I wish I had the faith that it would.

Om Nom Nom

So, here I sit, waiting to start cooking dinner. And I realize, that I am the type of cook, that most people absolutely hate. This is due largely to the fact that I don't do recipes. I mean, obviously, I can follow a recipe, no problem. However, when I cook, I don't use, or write down recipes. I throw in a little of this, and some of that....oooh and that over there would probably taste amazing. I almost never cook a dish the same way twice, but to toot my own horn, just a little, its always delicious. But this does not go over well when people want me to give them recipes of the things i cook. What do i tell them, start with a breast of chicken and add whatever you like?

Tonight I shall be making meatloaf and spicy roasted potatoes. The meatloaf is my own creation, but once again, I don't really know how I make it. I start with ground beef, add whatever spices sound good at the moment...I can't even tell you how much I add, I just add until it looks, "right." Add a lil ketchup, and already today I've decided to try tomato sauce instead. And the potatoes, I found a recipe online, but I've already changed it, using red potatoes instead of russet, adding garlic...maybe I'm hopeless. Let's all hope and pray that i never get called upon to make a cookbook! ;P

Dreams

My brain works in mysterious ways. For the longest time whenever i had dreams that I could remember, they were never actually about anyone I knew. Once in a great while, one would sneak in, but it wasn't by any means a normal occurrence. About this time last year, however, all that changed. To make an extremely long story short, it was a little over a year ago, that I met the man that i am currently dating. Since having met him, I dream about him, at least once a month, usually more. The really weird thing about these dreams, is that they are always the opposite of what's actually going on with us and our relationship.

When we had hit a rough patch, I would dream that things between us were great and that we would get over it and be together. Now, that's not really all that weird considering, I was more than likely hoping and thinking about this happening. Now however, we have been dating for 8 months. Other than a few potholes here and there (and lets be honest, who doesn't?) things have been so good. So why then, do I dream of him cheating on me, or leaving me, or me leaving him? I have every faith in him and our relationship - when I am awake and thinking logically. So where are these doubts/thoughts coming from? What is manifesting them?

I know that things don't always happen the way we plan, but I can honestly see myself with this man for the rest of my life. And if for some reason, that is not the plan for our lives, I am certain that we would part amicably and remain friends, as I know that neither of us are the type to do anything that would significantly hurt the other person. Why does my brain feel the need to fill my head with falsities and lies?

Lyrics of my Soul

What is it about music, that it can speak to you in a way nothing or no one ever has? I'm one of those strange people that actually likes most genres of music that I am introduced to. It's very hard to find something I dislike, because in almost everything I hear, there is something that speaks to me. Most bands have this uncanny ability to put to music, the very things I would want to say, if I knew how to say them. And it's ridiculous how true this is, because a there are definitely lyrics that speak to me, that I recognize as part of me, that I've never actually experienced before. It's like songwriters can look inside of me and go to places that I've never even seen and pull things out that I had no idea was there. When I listen to music, it can affect my mood. If I'm happy and listen to sad music it can drag me down, but it works the same in reverse too. Sometimes I think that music can save me when nothing else can...I don't even know if that really make sense, because I'm not entirely sure what I would need rescuing from...

But just to share, these are some of the most meaningful lyrics in my life at the moment:

"Pain is only a pulse, if you just stop feeling it." - Coheed and Cambria

"You never know what temporal days may bring. Laugh, love, live free, and sing. When life is in discord, praise ye the Lord." - Anberlin

"There can be no better way of knowing, in a world beyond controlling. Are you going to deny the savior in front of your eyes?" - Disturbed

"You are the night light ripping through my wicked world. How you make it sparkle and glow."- Motion City Soundtrack

"I lie awake and memorize your face as you sleep next to me. The falling moon is calling me as I leave. Sun rise slowly, the road looms lonely. "-Ludo

"How many times can I break 'til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after. I always turn the car around." - OAR

"If I lay here, if i just lay here...will you lie with me, and just forget the world?" Snow Patrol

I think that's good for now. Sometimes I feel like I could write a novel with all the various lyrics there are in the world. Something to think about...

L.O.V.E. A Definition

My cousin Elena is an inspiration to me, and maybe one of these days I'll be able to tell her just how big of one she is. She recently brought to my attention the word, "love" and how society has basically raped its true definition, how people these days don't really understand what love really is, and how they toss the word around without any understanding of it at all.

So many people these days believe that love is simple and easy and without conflict. I feel sorry for these people, because if thats what they believe love is, then they are missing out on the full effect of love and are only experiencing its outer shell at the most. These are probably the same people that believe that you "fall" into love...that its uncontrollable...fate. I don't agree.

To me, love is a choice. Despite what your family may tell you, you don't actually have to love them...you choose to love them. I believe this is the same of romantic love. It isn't random, it doesn't just happen, you CHOOSE to love that person. It's a conscious decision to let your guard down and let someone in, to trust them as you trust few or no other people. You can choose wrong...but you hope to hell that you haven't.

Furthermore, love is not easy. Sometimes love is the hardest thing of all. I think if love is easy, then you're doing it wrong. There are going to be times when you want out, when you're insecure, when you're not sure where its heading. Times when you're beat down and tired and want to give up. It's at these times that you have to make the choice to continue in love. Many don't...many fail...because, unfortunately for them, they bought into the "love is easy" propaganda and weren't prepared for its actuality.

Love is the most amazing choice you can make, the best feeling in the world, but in order to achieve its greatness, you have to experience love in all of its aspects. It's worth it, in the end, if you're willing to dedicate yourself to it.